


Heaven's Orders

by MaggieMaybe160



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Confessions, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, One Shot, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-08
Updated: 2019-01-08
Packaged: 2019-10-06 19:40:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,302
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17351369
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaggieMaybe160/pseuds/MaggieMaybe160
Summary: Castiel finally tells Dean about Naomi torturing him (Season 9)





	Heaven's Orders

**Author's Note:**

  * For [RavensCAT](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RavensCAT/gifts).



Dean and Cas were alone for the first time in what felt like forever. They sat with their bodies turned away from each other but Dean could feel the angel’s eyes on him. The silence had drawn on for awhile before Dean finally looked over. 

“Cas?” Dean asked. Cas was pale as he looked at Dean and his eyes seemed to be taking in every detail of Dean’s face as he stared. “You alright?” When Cas didn’t answer, Dean turned his entire body toward the angel and asked, “What happened?” 

“I am haunted by the things Heaven has done to me but none more than what happened last,” Cas said in his deep voice. The word choice made the hair on the back of Dean’s neck stand up as he watched Cas’ eyes finally stop and lock on to Dean’s eyes. 

“What are you talking about?”

“Do you remember that night? The night I almost killed you over the tablet?” Dean squirmed and nodded, uncomfortable with the memory of his angel’s fists pummeling him. “I had killed you so many times.” 

Dean stayed silent, his brow furrowed as he listened to Cas. 

“The first time I killed you was the six hundredth and thirty seventh trial. They made you look away from me because seeing your eyes kept me from going through with it. They made you look down and spit blood into your hands after I had already beaten you and then I was supposed to finish you off and watch you die by my hand. So I did it for the first time. You were leaning against the wall with bloody spit in your hands and you couldn’t look at me. I felt myself cry like a human would as I stabbed you. My blade stayed in your chest and I caught you as you fell. I screamed even as the lights came on in the room and I was applauded for having finally killed you. I was simultaneously reprimanded for still caring about you, Dean Winchester. I couldn’t help it. It hurt.” 

“What are you talking about, Cas?” Dean swallowed hard as he shifted. 

“Naomi brainwashed me to kill you.” The truth settled like a bomb at Dean’s center. His breath hitched and his heart felt like it was going to pound out of his chest. He wiped his sweating hands on his jeans. Cas swallowed and watched Dean’s hands move for a moment before returning to his face. 

“Naomi brainwashed me to kill you by torturing me every single day multiple times a day in Heaven. I killed you millions of times in different scenarios with different methods and I’m proud to say I failed my mission when it was finally not a trial anymore.” Cas licked his dry lips. “But it hurt me deeply when I realized that it wasn’t a trial. It wasn’t a creation of Heaven’s. It was you, Dean. And I had hurt you. I had beaten you into the floor without mercy and I was going to kill you.” 

“Cas.” Dean’s throat was dry. “I’m fine. Everything’s fine. Everything’s forgiven and it’s over. I’m okay. I’m here.” Dean reached out but Cas flinched away. 

“I murdered you two million, nine hundred and eighty thousand, nine hundred and four times!” Cas shouted, his eyes flashing the bright blue of his angelic grace for a moment. Dean felt small. He wanted to hold his angel in his arms and reassure him but he couldn’t yet. Cas needed to tell him first. 

“I felt the pain of a drill go into my head more times than that. I refused to kill you four million and sixty times. I was tortured for my refusal. I was tortured with physical pain and the pain of watching them kill you in front of me. Over and over and over.” Cas’s hands were fists in his lap, his knuckles white. “I got down on my knees and begged them to stop as I held you, bloody and dying in my arms. I screamed your name and professed my love for you as you stared at me and choked on your own blood. They dragged me to my feet and beat me, strapping me down and drilling into my skull. Naomi told me you could never care for me and that you weren’t worth ruining the world over. I could hear her voice louder than my own screaming. I could hear her telling me that you had to die. I could still hear you choking.”

Dean swallowed, uncomfortable with the idea of choking on his own blood. He fought the urge to respond, allowing Cas to get all of it out no matter how bad it all hurt to hear. He refused to let Cas deal with this alone any longer than he already had. 

“The room where I killed you,” Cas continued, his voice shaking just a little, “was massive and filled with a massacre of Dean Winchesters. There were dead Dean’s littering the floors. Some of the white walls were streaked with your blood. The lights were bright and intense and made to make everything look harsher than it was. It was a bloodbath of the only man I ever cared about losing.” 

Dean wanted to kill Naomi for ever making his angel feel this way. He had never seen Castiel look so broken. 

“I couldn’t tell that you were you. I felt your bones breaking under my fists. I knew my orders were to kill you. I was going to kill you. I was staring into your eyes and I knew that once I killed you the lights would come on and I’d be congratulated again and again and again. I’d get my prize for killing my hunter and my Dean Winchester.” Castiel was shaking hard now, his face paler than before and his eyes clouded with a thousand yard stare, seeing the bodies from Heaven. 

“Look at me,” Dean said. Cas’s eyes had gone distant and were focused somewhere on the wall behind Dean. “Look at me,” Dean ordered louder. The blue eyes dragged to Dean’s shining green ones. “I am right here. I am okay.” Dean didn’t feel okay. He felt like his heart was shattering in his chest. He finally took his angel’s hands in his own. “I’m alive because you stopped. You knew it was really me. You stopped.” 

“You told me,” Cas said slowly, “that I was family.” His voice cracked on the last word and Dean felt himself finally cry. He remembered saying it and watching the war in Castiel’s eyes that night as his bloodied fist relaxed. Dean nodded, letting the tears drip, not willing to let go of his angel’s hands now. “You were stupid enough to call me  _ family _ after I had massacred you so many times. You were there, calling me your  _ family _ after I had punched you and taken the tablet like a brainless soldier, following Heaven’s ordered like the corrupted angel I was always meant to be.”

“You were never meant to be that angel,” Dean interrupted. “You were always meant to be my rebel. My angel isn’t a brainless, rule following angel. You’re mine.”

“Dean,” Cas breathed. 

“It’s over,” Dean promised, standing and pulling Cas into a tight hug. “It’s over and it’s never going to happen again. I’m alive.” Cas let out a shuddering breath. “I’m alive,” Dean repeated, his arms tightening around the angel. “I’m alive. I’m okay. I’m here. I’m here with you. I’m not going anywhere.” His angels arms were tight around him too. “And I swear, if you or I ever sees or hears of Naomi again, I will gank her sorry ass on the spot. Do you hear me? I will not let her control you, Castiel. You’re mine.” 

 


End file.
